The Mystery of Peacock's Tail

Once there was a man who was living in a small town with his happy family. He was an avid reader and wanted to become the best father in the world. He had two curious kids. His innate desire was to give them the best upbringing in the world. Recently, he read about the concept of forest bathing in one of the books. Forest bathing is a Japanese practice of immersing oneself mindfully in a forest environment to promote relaxation and health. One day, he took his kids to the forest to reap the benefits of forest bathing. As they were enjoying the splendid beauty of the forest, one of his kids saw a beautiful peacock. The bright, heavy, and colorful tail caught the attention of a kid. He immediately asked his father, Dad, why do peacocks have extravagant features like bright colored tails that reduce their chances of survival? His father replied, "It's an interesting question." Even though natural selection is the deepest known theory that explains the variety we see around us. Still, it can't answer all the questions. Peacocks have bright colored tails due to sexual selection. Sexual selection! Can you please explain in detail?, asked the boy to his Dad.

Don't worry, my dear son, let's dive deep into evolution to understand this mystery.

Dad: Darwin realized that some traits can't be explained by natural selection. A peacock's tail is heavy, bright colored, and energetically costly. Natural selection should eliminate such traits, yet they exist. He proposed that sexual selection is one of the most powerful forces shaping life, responsible for many traits that otherwise seem useless, costly, or even harmful to survival. The fierce competition among males and the female preference for certain males are due to sexual selection.

Son: How do males evolve to display their traits like strength, wealth, intelligence, dominance, mate guarding, status seeking, etc., and concomitantly, females evolve to have a preference for certain males?

Dad: Two theories that answer your question are:

1. Parental Investment Theory

2. Good gene hypothesis

Parental Investment Theory: The different costs of reproduction create different strategies for males and females. Females produce a few expensive eggs, often invest heavily in their offspring, like gestation and nurturing. They have more to lose from mating with a poor-quality male. Therefore, females are choosy. On the other hand, males produce many cheap sperm, have more to gain by mating frequently. Hence, males compete for mating opportunities.

Good gene hypothesis: Females pick those males that indicate health, resistance to parasites, a strong immune system, etc. All these traits indicate good genetic quality. It's an indirect signal to females that tells them they have genes that help them to survive despite handicaps. These traits serve as honest signals that demonstrate only a strong male can afford such handicaps.

Son: Does the good gene hypothesis mean the same as the Handicap principle?

Dad: Yes, they are the same. Let me explain it in detail.

A trait that is costly to survive with is a reliable signal of genetic fitness, also known as the Handicap principle. The strong and healthy male can afford such handicaps as:

1. A giant peacock's tail

2. Bright color attracts predators

3. Big antlers that take huge energy to grow

These traits become a trustworthy indicator that males have good genes. It works because if the trait is not costly, a weak or unhealthy male could easily fake it. Only a high-quality male can pay for the handicap. Therefore, the handicap becomes the honest advertisement of fitness. Females prefer males who show that they can survive despite the burden. This ensures their offspring inherit the good genes of a male who can pay for the cost.

Sexual selection can override natural selection, leading to flamboyant traits. Female choice drives evolution as much as survival pressures do. Many human traits, such as creativity, intelligence, humor, etc., may function as a mental handicap costly signal of evolutionary fitness. The handicap idea becomes the foundation for explaining that human intelligence evolved partly as a sexual display.

Son: How do intelligence, creativity, humor, etc., evolve as a sexual display?

Dad: Ronald Fisher proposed a theory known as the Runaway sexual selection. It's an evolutionary process in which a female's preference for a trait and the male trait itself reinforce each other, causing the trait to become exaggerated over generations, sometimes to an extreme that harms survival.

Runaway sexual selection works as follows:

1. Females prefer a male with a slightly longer tail. These males get more mates and produce more offspring.

2. Their sons inherit the long tails, and their daughters inherit the preference for long tails.

3. The trait and the preference increase together. More females prefer long tails, and males evolve even longer tails. The preferences get stronger in each generation.

4. The feedback loop runs away. Each generation magnifies the trait until it becomes extremely exaggerated.

   
   

   The trait can become maladaptive. The trait can grow so huge that it reduces survival. A tail so huge that it makes flying harder, colors so bright that they attract predators, and antlers so big that they break easily. But as long as sexual advantage(more mates) outweighs survival advantage, the trait continues to evolve. Sexual selection often overpowers natural selection. The same logic is extended to human traits like intelligence, creativity, humor, art, and music.

Son: Evolution works on the principle of least effort. Sex is extremely inefficient compared to asexual reproduction. In sex, an individual passes only half of their genes and has to find a partner. Mating exposes him to predators, energy, cost, and disease. Males contribute no resources in many species except sperm. In asexual reproduction, every individual can reproduce, passes all their genes, no need for mates and would double their growth rates. Cloning is superior. Why is it not preferred by Natural selection?

Dad: Haha! An interesting insight. Natural Selection favored sex because of the Muller Ratchet. It's an evolutionary concept that explains why asexual reproduction tends to accumulate harmful mutations and why sex and recombination help avoid this problem.

This idea was proposed by geneticist Herman Muller. In asexual organisms, harmful(deleterious) mutations accumulate irreversibly over generations because there is no recombination. Asexual organisms pass on their genome unchanged (except for new mutations). Once all members of the population acquire at least one harmful mutation, it becomes impossible to return to a "mutation-free" state. This irreversible accumulation of bad mutations is the ratchet -- it clicks forward but never backward.

In asexual reproduction, the harmful mutations can be added but can't be removed. Imagine an asexual population where the best genome has zero harmful mutations. Over time, new mutations appear randomly. Some individuals with perfect genomes are lost due to chance events like predation, accidents, and small population size. If all zero-mutation individuals disappear, the population's best is now one harmful mutation. This is the click of a ratchet.

When all 1-mutation individuals are lost, the best remaining genome has two mutations. The ratchet keeps clicking. When harmful mutations accumulate, fitness drops, fertility decreases, survival weakens, and extinction risk rises. It leads to genetic meltdown. Without a mechanism to remove mutations, asexual reproduction faces a chance of long-term extinction.

How does sexual reproduction solve this problem?

Sex involves recombination, which allows harmful mutations to be separated and offspring to inherit cleaner combinations. Natural selection helps eliminate individuals with heavy mutation loads. Through recombination, two individuals with some bad mutations can produce offspring with fewer harmful mutations. Sex can reverse the ratchet, but asexual reproduction can't.

Asexual reproduction is like buying 100 lottery tickets with the same number, but sexual reproduction is like buying 100 lottery tickets with different numbers. If the environment stays stable, clones outperform, and if it changes, genetic variability increases a species' chance that at least some offspring will survive. Asexual reproduction is efficient but fragile, and sexual reproduction is inefficient but resilient.

Sexual reproduction is very effective against parasites. A Red Queen principle in biology says species must constantly evolve to keep pace with their parasites, predators, and competitors. If a species stops evolving, it doesn't stay the same, but it falls behind and risks extinction. Sex exists because it helps organisms keep up in this endless evolutionary race.

Hosts and parasites chase each other in evolutionary cycles. Parasites adapt to exploit the host's most common genotype. That genome becomes vulnerable. Hosts that reproduce sexually produce new, rare genotypes. Parasites are less effective against an unfamiliar combination of genes. Selection favors hosts with rare combinations. Parasites evolve to catch up again. This arms race has no finish line but only constant motion. You have to keep running just to survive. This idea is extended to human progress also. You have to keep innovating to stay in the race. Change is the only constant.

Infidelity, violence, aggression, jealousy, infanticide, etc., are the evolved reproductive strategies of sexual selection. The reproductive success of males is limited by access to females, not resources. Females prefer to mate with the male having good genes, whereas the male wants to mate with as many females as possible to increase his numbers in the gene pool. Male-male competition can lead to lethal fights in animals for access to females. Natural selection often favors reproductive success over morality, niceness, and fairness. It creates psychological adaptations, not moral rules.

Son: Humans are far more intelligent than necessary to survive in the wild. Other primates survive with smaller brains. We spend enormous energy on growing huge brains. Brains are expensive. They burn glucose, require long childhoods, and complicate birth. Why did evolution favor such costly traits?

Dad: Human intelligence evolved partly to attract mates. Just as peacock tails are costly displays of fitness, mental skills signal underlying genetic quality. Creativity, humor, storytelling, music, and art are analogous to mental peacock tails. These skills are hard to fake and costly in terms of energy and learning time, making them an honest signal of fitness. Males who displayed these traits reproduced more successfully. Over generations, this led to ever more exaggerated mental abilities for males and preferences for females. It mirrors the Fisherian runaway process observed in mammals.

Conclusion: Humans spent a vast portion of their evolutionary history in the savannah, where certain behaviors were adaptive and helped our ancestors survive and reproduce. Today, our environment has changed dramatically, but many of those ancient behavioral tendencies remain. When we encounter behaviors we label as immoral, it is often because they are rooted in evolutionary adaptations that no longer fit modern life. Behaviors such as infidelity, jealousy, aggression, competition, and violence are not simply moral failings; they once served specific functions in our evolutionary past. We do not transcend these tendencies by suppressing them, but by understanding them. Viewing these behaviors as adaptive responses rather than personal flaws allows us to gain deeper insight into human relationships. This awareness gives us the ability to respond more consciously, build healthier relationships, and shape a more cooperative and compassionate society. By understanding where we come from, we can choose how we want to live now.

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Oneness Awakened: Embracing the Universal Self

Once there was a king who led a life of virtue, always committed to honesty and truthfulness. He was deeply pious. One night, he had a frightening dream in which his kingdom was conquered by an enemy ruler. Though the enemy spared his life, he was chained and cast out of his own land. Injured, thirsty, and starving, the king begged for food. Suddenly, a crow dropped a piece of human flesh before him. Driven by hunger, he ate it.

The king woke up, sweating heavily from the nightmare. The following day, he faced an important decision about the kingdom’s affairs. Yet, from the moment he awoke, he kept murmuring, “Is this truth or that truth?” When the ministers and the people gathered to hear his verdict, he repeated the same question without giving an answer.

Nearby lived a wise sage, known for his deep insight, compassion, and love for all beings. One of the ministers invited him to the palace to assist the troubled king. Upon arrival, the sage heard the king’s persistent question and responded, “Both the dream world and the waking world are illusions. The only true reality is the self that witnesses them.”

Hearing this, the king’s confusion lifted instantly. He awakened from his inner turmoil and attained enlightenment.

You might be wondering how just a few words—"Both the dream world and the waking world are illusions. The only true reality is the self that witnesses them."—can lead someone to enlightenment. Before we delve deeper into the meaning of this profound statement, let’s first understand the basics of life.

The Self is not this, not that. It is the witness of all, the eternal seer, the knower of the field. Upanishads

We are so entangled in the web of life that we forget our true nature. We rarely take the time to reflect on questions such as: Who am I? Why am I here? What is the purpose of working if I will die one day? Is there anything beyond death? What is the meaning of life?

We have only a short time in this beautiful galaxy. We become so caught up in non-essential things that we forget to focus on what truly matters. Life is slipping through our fingers, and death draws closer with each passing day. We often believe that death will come to us someday in the distant future, but not now. As a result, we keep postponing the things that are truly valuable in life.

Do not listen to thoughts that tell you, "Don’t be in a hurry." No—take immediate action that will move you beyond the cycle of life and death, or at least bring you closer to your true nature. The technique we are about to discuss for attaining enlightenment is useless unless you apply it in your life. Always act promptly after gaining knowledge, so that you can put your understanding into practice.

Shiva (the Lord of Creation and Destruction) taught this technique to Shakti (the Divine Feminine Energy) as a means to attain enlightenment. The technique is

"Each thing is perceived through knowing. The self shines in space through knowing. Perceive one being as knower and known."

Let's delve deeper to understand this beautiful and profound sutra.

Whatever we know is known through the process of knowing. There is always a known (object), a knower (subject), and knowledge itself. Knowledge bridges the gap between the knower and the known. This concept is easier to understand with a real-life example.

A few weeks ago, I was roaming in the forest when suddenly a young and beautiful peacock spread its wings and began to dance. Everything else disappeared from my sight, and the peacock immediately captured my attention. I experienced a brief pause in the chain of my thoughts—a meditative state, if only for a few seconds. My mind became still, almost as if it were no mind at all. I felt a deep ecstasy and silence within my being. In this experience, the peacock is the object (the known), my mind is the subject (the knower), and my knowledge of the peacock creates the relationship between subject and object.

The moment you become the watcher, you have moved beyond the mind. Adyashanti

We generally focus on the object and rarely pay attention to the subject. Humans have evolved in such a way that our senses are designed to observe the external world, but we have little to help us experience the inner world. We become so accustomed to focusing on objects that we forget about the subject. We seldom take the time to understand or explore the subject—the self.

We live miserable lives because we have never explored our inner world. We rarely pay any attention to the knower—the self. Focusing solely on objects has created an imbalance in our lives.

Now the technique says,

"Each thing is perceived through knowing."

Every object is known through the process of knowledge. Knowledge bridges the gap between the subject and the object. Do not remain focused solely on objects; pay attention to the subject as well. Concentration is the first step in meditation. Focusing on the face of a beloved or on a peacock, for example, is just the beginning. As time passes, gradually shift your attention from the object to the subject. This may be difficult at first, but with practice, you will begin to move in that direction. Attention can create wonders in one’s life. Always be aware of whom you are paying attention to. Wise people intentionally remain ignorant about certain things.

When the peacock is present, everything else immediately fades from awareness. When attention shifts toward the subject, the peacock (the object) disappears from existence. Being aware of both the subject and the object creates balance, because having two points of reference (subject and object) is more balanced than focusing on just one (either subject or object).

Materialistic people chase worldly things. They are too focused on objects like money, power, fame, and status. But alas, they rarely find happiness in these pursuits. Anything outside of yourself can never truly give you happiness. When they become disillusioned with worldly and materialistic objects, they often move to the other extreme: they renounce everything and go to the Himalayas. Yet, they still face the same problem, just in the opposite direction.

In the Himalayas, material things are no longer present to distract them. Previously, they were identified with the object, but now they become obsessed with the subject. However, there always exists a midpoint between these two frames of reference. Similarly, there is a point between the subject and the object known as turiya, or the witnessing self. The witnessing self is different from both the subject and the object. For example, I may look at the peacock (the object) and then observe my mind (the subject). Yet, there is something within me that observes both—one after the other—and cannot be transcended. Anything that cannot be transcended is the ultimate and only truth.

Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don’t claim them. Feel the artistry moving through and be silent. Rumi

Enlightened individuals are aware of their witnessing self and have therefore transcended the world of both objects and subject. They go beyond both. External objects no longer hold any power over them. The witnessing self is pure consciousness, like an open sky. Thoughts are like clouds that come and go. Enlightened beings observe both their positive and negative thoughts and remain unaffected by them. Thoughts no longer have any power over them.

Siddhartha Gautama became the Buddha when he experienced the witnessing self within. For the rest of his life, he taught the path of the Middle Way. The human mind understands the language of extremes. It is easy to either love or hate a person, but it is extremely difficult to cultivate indifference. The mind dissolves in the Middle Way, which is why it tends to cling to extremes.

Buddhism is not concerned with the origin of life, rituals, or methodologies. It is focused on transforming human psychology and putting an end to human suffering. Buddhist philosophy is based on the Four Noble Truths:

1. Human suffering arises from our unwillingness to accept the impermanence of things. Everything around us is impermanent and subject to change. Decay is inherent in all compounded things. We, too, will leave this planet after a period of time. We falsely cling to ideas, people, titles, images, and status, and this attachment brings suffering.

2. Grasping and clinging to objects is the cause of human suffering. We possess what we love and become slaves to it. We all desire freedom, and moksha (freedom from the cycle of birth and death) is our ultimate goal. Trying to make fluid things static brings suffering. Everything around us is in a state of constant flux, yet out of ignorance, we attempt to hold onto these ever-changing things, which is impossible. As long as we do not accept the reality of change, we remain entangled in the endless chain of cause and effect. Karma does not liberate us; instead, it keeps us bound in the vicious cycle of birth and death.

3. Nirvana (moksha) is possible through right mindfulness. The Middle Path helps us attain liberation. Maya—the veil of ignorance that creates the illusion of separateness—and the ego both dissolve, and we become one with all in a state of superconsciousness.

4. Nirvana can be achieved through the eight fold path of self development that leads to Buddhahood. The following are the eight fold paths of self development:

   
   

   1. Right View: Understanding reality as it is, including the Four Noble truths(suffering, its cause, its cessation, and the path to cessation). It involves seeing things without delusion, recognizing impermanence, and understanding karma.

   2. Right Intention: Cultivating wholesome intentions, such as renouncing harmful desires, fostering goodwill, and embracing non-violence. It's about aligning the mind with ethical and compassionate motives.

   3. Right Speech: Speaking truthfully, kindly, and constructively. This means avoiding lying, slander, harsh words, and idle gossip to promote harmony and understanding.

   4. Right Action: Acting in ways that are ethical and non-harmful, such as refrain from killing, stealing, or engaging in harmful behaviors. It emphasizes compassion and respect for all beings.

   5. Right Livelihood: Earning a living in a way that doesn't harm others or oneself, avoiding professions that cause suffering, like those involving violence, deceit, or exploitation.

   6. Right Effort: Making a conscious effort to cultivate positive mental states and abandon negative ones. This includes preventing unwholesome thoughts, overcoming them, and nurturing wholesome ones.

   7. Right Mindfulness: Developing awareness of the present moment, observing body, feelings, mind, and phenomenon without attachment or aversion. It's often practiced through meditation techniques like mindfulness of breathing.

   8. Right Concentration: Cultivating focused, one-pointed attention through meditative practices leading to deep states of mental clarity and tranquility which support insight and liberation.

Now the next part of Sutra,

"The Self shines in space through knowing. Perceive one being as knower and known."

When a person becomes aware of both the subject and the object through knowledge, he comes to realize the witnessing self. The witnessing self shines within him, just as the stars shine in the night sky. He transcends the world of objects and subject through the light of the witnessing self. He is in the world, yet the world does not affect him. His presence is like a lotus leaf in water—though it is in the water, the water cannot wet it. Similarly, he is in the world, yet nothing can taint him. You are not your name, job, status, mind, or body. You are the witnessing self who observes your birth, childhood, youth, and old age, yet remains unaffected by them.

How does suffering cease to exist when one is rooted in their being?

Suppose someone abuses you and calls you bad names. His words become objects, and your mind reacts to these words, evoking emotions. By practicing the above technique, you become aware of both the object (the person who hurts you) and the subject (your mind’s response to the stimulus). The witnessing self observes both the subject and the object as a passive watcher, without reacting. The witnessing self remains unaffected throughout the entire situation.

If you can sit as a witness to your mind, you are free from all suffering. Sadhguru

Lord Krishna says in the Shrimad Bhagavad Gita, “The sword cannot cut the soul, water cannot wet it, and fire cannot burn it.” In Hinduism, the witnessing self is referred to as the soul. That is why suffering does not affect the enlightened soul. Similarly, an enlightened being remains unaffected by pleasure. An enlightened being moves beyond both pain and pleasure—beyond duality. So much may be happening around him, but nothing affects him.

Girls are very close to enlightenment. Every month, they experience significant pain during menstruation. This pain can serve as a wake-up call for them to pursue enlightenment. During their periods, changes occur within their bodies that cause discomfort. These internal changes are the objects, and the mind’s reaction to these stimuli becomes the subject. Their witnessing self observes both the subject and the object. In the presence of the witnessing self, pain holds no power.

By feeling the pain as deeply as possible and simply observing it, the very act of awareness can transform their being and help them move toward enlightenment. Observe and feel all negative emotions as a passive watcher, and notice the changes this brings to your life. Work diligently on yourself and strive to turn every negative experience into a positive one.

Does it ring a bell? Do you remember what the sage told the king in the anecdote?

Yes, you got it right! The waking and dreaming worlds are unreal; the witnessing self is the only truth. The king understands the futility of both the object and the subject, returns to his center—the witnessing self—and becomes enlightened.

Practice this sutra every day and observe the changes it brings to your life. Gradually, you will develop the ears of tolerance, the eyes of compassion, and speak the language of love. In the final stage, you will be liberated and become one with the universe.

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Heartstrings Unraveled? Weave your relationship back together

John and Ruby lived in a small town where they had studied together and dated since childhood. Both were intelligent and graduated with honors. John worked in a big investment firm, and Ruby wrote scripts for Hollywood movies. They met on weekends to discuss their long-term goals, envisioning their best selves and supporting each other. Eventually, they got married. However, after marriage, they became more aware of each other's behaviors and habits. John often argued with his seniors at work and vented his frustrations by chatting with old friends and watching Instagram reels after returning home. He believed he was protecting Ruby from workplace stress by not discussing it with her. Meanwhile, Ruby longed to spend quality time with her husband, but John's routine consumed most of his evenings. As time passed, Ruby felt increasingly ignored, leading to mounting frustrations. One day, unable to contain her feelings any longer, she confronted John about the issue. Already stressed from work, John reacted defensively, raising his voice and bringing up past grievances instead of addressing Ruby's concerns. The conversation devolved into a blame game, escalating into a heated argument that ultimately damaged their relationship.

The story offers many valuable insights and emphasizes how a small conversation, if not handled properly, has the potential to derail relationships.

Conversations play a crucial role in our life. We express our emotions and thoughts through them. Despite their importance, nobody teaches us how to communicate effectively. We often experience significant psychological friction when engaged in difficult conversations.

Wait! A difficult conversation. What exactly is the meaning of difficult conversation?

When the story we have fabricated does not align with the other person's narrative, it often leads to an argument. This argument makes the conversation difficult. The gap between what we are thinking and what we are saying makes communication challenging. Argument leads us nowhere because they inhibit our ability to understand how the other person perceives the world. A conflict arises when the other person doesn't behave in the way we want them to.

In the fantastic book "Difficult Conversations" written by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, the authors describe there are three layers of conversations:

1. The What Happened Conversation?

2. The Feelings Conversation

3. The Identity Conversation

Let's dive deep to understand each layer to communicate effectively in our lives.

The What Happened Conversation? : It focuses on disagreements regarding facts and events. Ruby initiated this type of conversation because she wanted to feel loved and spend time with John, leading her to express her disagreements. In response, John reacted emotionally and began arguing over who was right or wrong which escalated into a blame game. Blame injures relations and causes pain and anxiety, inhibiting our ability to understand the root cause of the problem and take meaningful action to resolve it. The cycle of mutual finger-pointing often turns toxic, preventing constructive dialogue and deeper understanding.

How to deal with situations when we are stuck in such scenarios?

Shifting your perspective from certainty (I am right, you are wrong) to curiosity ("What's your perspective") can significantly improve conflict resolution. If John had asked Ruby, "Tell me your perspective on the current scenario," he would have been better positioned to handle the conflict. John and Ruby viewed the situation through different lenses and created different narratives. John didn't want to burden Ruby with his office dynamics, while Ruby felt neglected because he spent much of his time talking to his old friend and watching Instagram Reels.

You might be wondering, Why do people form different narratives about the same situation.

People have different stories because they interpret the facts in various ways. An emotionally intelligent person understands that there are things they might not be aware of. The best way to preserve a relationship is to assume that there is an important out there that I may not have access to.

Indeed, it is true in the case of John and Ruby.

Instead of asking, How can they think like that?

Consider asking, What information do they have that I don't have access to?

Rather than questioning, How can they be so irrational?

Ask yourself, how might they see the world so that their view makes sense? Why is it always the case that the other person is selfish, naive, controlling, or Irrational? Why not me?

The best strategy for handling What Happened? conversation is to avoid making assumptions about intentions and ask open-ended questions to understand the other person's perspective.

In any conflict, ask yourself, "What have I contributed to the situation"?

If John and Ruby had challenged their assumptions and reflected on their contribution, it might have preserved their romantic relationship. Blame involves judging and contribution focuses on understanding. Recognizing contribution is valuable when our goal is to comprehend what actually occurred, allowing us to improve how we maintain the relationship in the future.

Ultimately, the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation. Oscar Wilde

People often find themselves in trouble when they adopt a victim mentality. Oh dear! the fault lies not in our stars, but in the way we think. Many people tend to focus on negative outcomes and harbor negative thoughts about others. They often endorse these negative thoughts without challenging them. There is an evolutionary reason for this tendency. Pessimistic traits were passed down to us from our ancestors because they offered a survival advantage. However, we are no longer living in the jungle, and we don't have to fear being eaten by lions. When we feel hurt by someone's behavior, we may assume the worst due to this evolutionary programming. The conclusions we draw about other's intentions based on their actions are rarely charitable and often incorrect.

Negativity can damage relationships. When we believe others have bad intentions towards us, it negatively affects our behavior. In turn, how we behave influences how they treat us. Our assumption that others harbor negative intentions often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading us to fall into the abyss of negativity. When we are entrenched in this mindset, we become so absorbed in our narrative about their intentions that we struggle to consider any alternative perspectives.

A positive mindset is the only way forward. It is essential to work hard on yourself to override this evolutionary programming. The limitations of the human mind can sometimes feel endless. Reflect deeply about your intentions as they send a positive signal to the other person about the relationship. This is the most meaningful contribution you can make to someone who matters to you.

Feelings Conversation: Emotions are at the heart of difficult conversations, yet they are often ignored or mishandled. When Ruby expressed her feelings to John, she sought love and acknowledgment from him; both had suppressed their feelings. People often refrain from expressing their true feelings out of fear that it might ruin their relationship. However, by not addressing these feelings, resentment can slowly build up and eventually contaminate the relationship.

How do we know that we have suppressed our feelings?

When there is a strong urge to blame the other person, it serves as a clue to find your repressed feelings. The repressed emotions often leak into the conversation through tone, defensiveness, and avoidance. This tendency also hampers our ability to listen attentively.

What should you do when you discover your repressed feelings?

Invite the other person to express his feelings, and be sure to share yours as well without blame, attribution, or judgment to maintain a harmonious relationship. It's natural and normal to have feelings as they are akin to our arms and legs. Feelings don't harm others unless we use them to lash out or inflict pain. Just as we can't control how others react, we can control how we respond. It’s perfectly acceptable to validate someone’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with them.

When John shouted at Ruby, it sent a wrong signal to her, suggesting that she should not express her feelings and should keep her problems to herself. Unexpressed feelings take a toll on self-esteem and eventually ruin the relationship.

The Identity Conversation: This is the internal dialogue that reflects how the conversation impacts your self-image (eg: "Am I competent?" or "Am I a good husband?") John viewed himself as a loving husband so when Ruby told him that she no longer felt loved, he perceived it as an attack on his self-image and reacted with anger. When our self-image is threatened, we may either enter a state of denial or respond with exaggerated emotions both of which can ultimately damage the relationship.

How to improve identity-related issues?

Be aware of your identity issues and strive to gain an accurate picture of who you truly are. Think highly of yourself while recognizing that there is always a room for improvement. The more readily one can admit their mistakes, acknowledge mixed intentions, and recognize their contribution to the problem, the more balanced one will feel during the difficult conversation. This awareness increases the likelihood that the conversation will go well. Remember, mistakes don't define you and are part of the learning process. Focus on learning rather than proving yourself. Often, what makes a situation challenging is more related to what is happening within you than to the dynamics between you and the other person.

"And Stance" is an approach described by Shiela Heen to handle the difficult conversation. It emphasizes holding your perspective while genuinely exploring the other. This approach acknowledges that multiple valid truths can exist regarding the same situation, allowing both parties to assert their views and feelings without diminishing each other's experiences.

If John had engaged in active listening while conversing with Ruby, he might have avoided the conflict that ensued. By holding his perspective without diminishing Ruby's views, John could have created a more supportive environment. Instead of framing their discussion as a right vs. wrong scenario, viewing it through the lens of joint contribution would have helped them collaborate effectively and find common ground.

The art of conversation lies in listening. Malcolm Forbes

Mastering the art of listening requires authenticity at its core. People pay attention not only to your words but also to the non-verbal cues that you convey through your posture, facial expressions, and tone of voice. To truly connect with others, it is essential to be present and engaged.

What are the qualities of a good listener?

1. They are inquisitive and want to learn by asking open-ended questions.

2. Paraphrase to avoid misunderstanding.

3. Empathize with others to acknowledge their feelings.

Relationships are the key to happiness. The only thing that matters is the quality of connections we build with the people we love. Assuming an infinite time horizon can lead to the neglect of these relationships, causing them to deteriorate to a point of no return. Just as muscles atrophy when neglected, so too do relationships. The depth of any relationship is built through honesty, support(sitting with them in the darkness during their struggle), and shared experiences(sharing positive and negative experiences). It is essential to recognize that we cannot change others. The paradox lies in the fact that trying to change others rarely results in meaningful transformation. It often leads to frustration and resistance. On the other hand, engaging your loved ones in a conversation where mutual learning is the goal often results in a change.

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