Heartstrings Unraveled? Weave your relationship back together

John and Ruby lived in a small town where they had studied together and dated since childhood. Both were intelligent and graduated with honors. John worked in a big investment firm, and Ruby wrote scripts for Hollywood movies. They met on weekends to discuss their long-term goals, envisioning their best selves and supporting each other. Eventually, they got married. However, after marriage, they became more aware of each other's behaviors and habits. John often argued with his seniors at work and vented his frustrations by chatting with old friends and watching Instagram reels after returning home. He believed he was protecting Ruby from workplace stress by not discussing it with her. Meanwhile, Ruby longed to spend quality time with her husband, but John's routine consumed most of his evenings. As time passed, Ruby felt increasingly ignored, leading to mounting frustrations. One day, unable to contain her feelings any longer, she confronted John about the issue. Already stressed from work, John reacted defensively, raising his voice and bringing up past grievances instead of addressing Ruby's concerns. The conversation devolved into a blame game, escalating into a heated argument that ultimately damaged their relationship.

The story offers many valuable insights and emphasizes how a small conversation, if not handled properly, has the potential to derail relationships.

Conversations play a crucial role in our life. We express our emotions and thoughts through them. Despite their importance, nobody teaches us how to communicate effectively. We often experience significant psychological friction when engaged in difficult conversations.

Wait! A difficult conversation. What exactly is the meaning of difficult conversation?

When the story we have fabricated does not align with the other person's narrative, it often leads to an argument. This argument makes the conversation difficult. The gap between what we are thinking and what we are saying makes communication challenging. Argument leads us nowhere because they inhibit our ability to understand how the other person perceives the world. A conflict arises when the other person doesn't behave in the way we want them to.

In the fantastic book "Difficult Conversations" written by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, the authors describe there are three layers of conversations:

1. The What Happened Conversation?

2. The Feelings Conversation

3. The Identity Conversation

Let's dive deep to understand each layer to communicate effectively in our lives.

The What Happened Conversation? : It focuses on disagreements regarding facts and events. Ruby initiated this type of conversation because she wanted to feel loved and spend time with John, leading her to express her disagreements. In response, John reacted emotionally and began arguing over who was right or wrong which escalated into a blame game. Blame injures relations and causes pain and anxiety, inhibiting our ability to understand the root cause of the problem and take meaningful action to resolve it. The cycle of mutual finger-pointing often turns toxic, preventing constructive dialogue and deeper understanding.

How to deal with situations when we are stuck in such scenarios?

Shifting your perspective from certainty (I am right, you are wrong) to curiosity ("What's your perspective") can significantly improve conflict resolution. If John had asked Ruby, "Tell me your perspective on the current scenario," he would have been better positioned to handle the conflict. John and Ruby viewed the situation through different lenses and created different narratives. John didn't want to burden Ruby with his office dynamics, while Ruby felt neglected because he spent much of his time talking to his old friend and watching Instagram Reels.

You might be wondering, Why do people form different narratives about the same situation.

People have different stories because they interpret the facts in various ways. An emotionally intelligent person understands that there are things they might not be aware of. The best way to preserve a relationship is to assume that there is an important out there that I may not have access to.

Indeed, it is true in the case of John and Ruby.

Instead of asking, How can they think like that?

Consider asking, What information do they have that I don't have access to?

Rather than questioning, How can they be so irrational?

Ask yourself, how might they see the world so that their view makes sense? Why is it always the case that the other person is selfish, naive, controlling, or Irrational? Why not me?

The best strategy for handling What Happened? conversation is to avoid making assumptions about intentions and ask open-ended questions to understand the other person's perspective.

In any conflict, ask yourself, "What have I contributed to the situation"?

If John and Ruby had challenged their assumptions and reflected on their contribution, it might have preserved their romantic relationship. Blame involves judging and contribution focuses on understanding. Recognizing contribution is valuable when our goal is to comprehend what actually occurred, allowing us to improve how we maintain the relationship in the future.

Ultimately, the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation. Oscar Wilde

People often find themselves in trouble when they adopt a victim mentality. Oh dear! the fault lies not in our stars, but in the way we think. Many people tend to focus on negative outcomes and harbor negative thoughts about others. They often endorse these negative thoughts without challenging them. There is an evolutionary reason for this tendency. Pessimistic traits were passed down to us from our ancestors because they offered a survival advantage. However, we are no longer living in the jungle, and we don't have to fear being eaten by lions. When we feel hurt by someone's behavior, we may assume the worst due to this evolutionary programming. The conclusions we draw about other's intentions based on their actions are rarely charitable and often incorrect.

Negativity can damage relationships. When we believe others have bad intentions towards us, it negatively affects our behavior. In turn, how we behave influences how they treat us. Our assumption that others harbor negative intentions often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading us to fall into the abyss of negativity. When we are entrenched in this mindset, we become so absorbed in our narrative about their intentions that we struggle to consider any alternative perspectives.

A positive mindset is the only way forward. It is essential to work hard on yourself to override this evolutionary programming. The limitations of the human mind can sometimes feel endless. Reflect deeply about your intentions as they send a positive signal to the other person about the relationship. This is the most meaningful contribution you can make to someone who matters to you.

Feelings Conversation: Emotions are at the heart of difficult conversations, yet they are often ignored or mishandled. When Ruby expressed her feelings to John, she sought love and acknowledgment from him; both had suppressed their feelings. People often refrain from expressing their true feelings out of fear that it might ruin their relationship. However, by not addressing these feelings, resentment can slowly build up and eventually contaminate the relationship.

How do we know that we have suppressed our feelings?

When there is a strong urge to blame the other person, it serves as a clue to find your repressed feelings. The repressed emotions often leak into the conversation through tone, defensiveness, and avoidance. This tendency also hampers our ability to listen attentively.

What should you do when you discover your repressed feelings?

Invite the other person to express his feelings, and be sure to share yours as well without blame, attribution, or judgment to maintain a harmonious relationship. It's natural and normal to have feelings as they are akin to our arms and legs. Feelings don't harm others unless we use them to lash out or inflict pain. Just as we can't control how others react, we can control how we respond. It’s perfectly acceptable to validate someone’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with them.

When John shouted at Ruby, it sent a wrong signal to her, suggesting that she should not express her feelings and should keep her problems to herself. Unexpressed feelings take a toll on self-esteem and eventually ruin the relationship.

The Identity Conversation: This is the internal dialogue that reflects how the conversation impacts your self-image (eg: "Am I competent?" or "Am I a good husband?") John viewed himself as a loving husband so when Ruby told him that she no longer felt loved, he perceived it as an attack on his self-image and reacted with anger. When our self-image is threatened, we may either enter a state of denial or respond with exaggerated emotions both of which can ultimately damage the relationship.

How to improve identity-related issues?

Be aware of your identity issues and strive to gain an accurate picture of who you truly are. Think highly of yourself while recognizing that there is always a room for improvement. The more readily one can admit their mistakes, acknowledge mixed intentions, and recognize their contribution to the problem, the more balanced one will feel during the difficult conversation. This awareness increases the likelihood that the conversation will go well. Remember, mistakes don't define you and are part of the learning process. Focus on learning rather than proving yourself. Often, what makes a situation challenging is more related to what is happening within you than to the dynamics between you and the other person.

"And Stance" is an approach described by Shiela Heen to handle the difficult conversation. It emphasizes holding your perspective while genuinely exploring the other. This approach acknowledges that multiple valid truths can exist regarding the same situation, allowing both parties to assert their views and feelings without diminishing each other's experiences.

If John had engaged in active listening while conversing with Ruby, he might have avoided the conflict that ensued. By holding his perspective without diminishing Ruby's views, John could have created a more supportive environment. Instead of framing their discussion as a right vs. wrong scenario, viewing it through the lens of joint contribution would have helped them collaborate effectively and find common ground.

The art of conversation lies in listening. Malcolm Forbes

Mastering the art of listening requires authenticity at its core. People pay attention not only to your words but also to the non-verbal cues that you convey through your posture, facial expressions, and tone of voice. To truly connect with others, it is essential to be present and engaged.

What are the qualities of a good listener?

1. They are inquisitive and want to learn by asking open-ended questions.

2. Paraphrase to avoid misunderstanding.

3. Empathize with others to acknowledge their feelings.

Relationships are the key to happiness. The only thing that matters is the quality of connections we build with the people we love. Assuming an infinite time horizon can lead to the neglect of these relationships, causing them to deteriorate to a point of no return. Just as muscles atrophy when neglected, so too do relationships. The depth of any relationship is built through honesty, support(sitting with them in the darkness during their struggle), and shared experiences(sharing positive and negative experiences). It is essential to recognize that we cannot change others. The paradox lies in the fact that trying to change others rarely results in meaningful transformation. It often leads to frustration and resistance. On the other hand, engaging your loved ones in a conversation where mutual learning is the goal often results in a change.

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Photo by Colin Maynard on Unsplash